The Knight Errant
by Leonine One 252
Summary: This is my take on where Haagen went after the destruction of Alexandria. The other Pluto Knights search for him.
1. Where is Haagen?

Well…'Tis been a while since I've written anything because I'm so damn pissed at admin. Stupid rules…Anyway, I guess I shouldn't be sulking right now. This fic is about the Knights of Pluto, because they're really funny but highly neglected, so here's to my favorite incompetent military force, second only to the Night Watch of Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Knights of Pluto or any other FFIX character. They belong to Square-Enix or whatever the heck it is that they're called these days.

**The Knight Errant**

_Chapter 1: Where is Haagen? _

Let us consider the heroes: Zidane, Dagger, Vivi, Freya, Eiko, Steiner, Quina, and Amarant. See how they have failed to save Alexandria, even with the summoning of Alexander. However, see how they did their best to protect it from the hoards of evil. How great they are… How powerful they are… How completely irrelevant they are to this story (except possibly Adelbert Steiner).

Blutzen and Kohel were sitting at the base of the west tower, hard at work and making plans for reconstruction. "This is gonna be one heck of a clean-up job…" said Kohel, the fat one.

"Yeah…I have no idea how to even begin…" replied Blutzen.

"Yeah…"

"Yup. Verrry difficult…"

"You know it…"

"Well, we should get started, then."

"Yes, let's begin!"

"…"

"……"

"Hey, did you hear that Weimar is seeing that flower girl in town?" asked Blutzen.

"No! Really? I thought he was flirting with that soldier!" said Kohel.

"Well…We all were, so I guess you can't really count that as cheating."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. By the way, does it strike you as odd that we haven't seen Haagen for a week?"

"Um…Well I just assumed that he's on vacation somewhere…"

"Right after our city was destroyed?"

"Hmm, I guess you're right. I wonder where he went."

Meanwhile, at the inner edge of the petrified Evil Forest, on the shores of the river, Haagen awoke from his weeklong slumber. "Feel my…fury…Wha-ow my head!" When the Pluto Knight's vision and mind cleared he looked around at his surroundings. A certain existential dread began to creep up on him. "Oh…crap."

Laudo, gifted writer, sensitive soul, and military man (well, sort of), decided that it was time to begin writing his book on the destruction and reconstruction of Alexandria. He had interviewed many of the townspeople and most of the Knights of Pluto, including himself. Right now he had just finished speaking to Breireicht, one of the older members of the Pluto Knights. Poor Laudo had to temporarily shut his mind off to keep from going insane from Breireicht's lengthy descriptions of people he knew. "Yes, well that's…nice. So Breireicht, I have to go talk to Haagen now. Do you know where he is?" asked Laudo.

"Ah, you mean young, enthusiastic Haagen, Pluto Knight VIII, the-" started the knight.

"Uh, hey! Is that General Beatrix I see? I thought she died! Gotta go! Thank you! Bye!"

_That was close,_ thought Laudo. _Oh well, I guess I'll just have to ask someone else._ There was Mullenkedheim, wondering when they'll rebuild the kitchen. He's a nice guy, but sometimes not very helpful. He does make a very good sandwich, though. Laudo caught sight of Dojebon, and started chasing after him. "Dojebon! Hey, Dojebon, slow down! Dojebon! Please, slow…down…" gasped Laudo as he finally got Dojebon's attention.

"Hey, Laudo. Could you make this quick? I'm really busy," said Dojebon.

"Urgh…Gasp…Have…have you…wheeze…"

"Are you okay? You don't look so good, Laudo. I always said you could do with more exercise."

"I-I'm fine. Have you seen Haagen?"

"Haagen? Isn't he around somewhere?"

"No. No one's seen him for at least a week."

"He's missing? But…but he's my best friend! He wouldn't just leave!" said Dojebon. His eyes narrowed. "What have you done to him?"

"Huh? Nothing!"

"Oh. Are you sure?"

"Yes. I didn't do anything to Haagen."

"Well, alright then. If he's really been missing for a week, then maybe we should go look for him."

They gathered the remaining Knights of Pluto and explained the situation to them. And so, the Save the Endangered Haagen Committee (SEHC) was formed.

_Meanwhile..._

"H-hello? Is anybody there? Dojebon? Captain? Mom?" squeaked Haagen. No one answered. "Laura has a big butt!" he shouted, and then ducked, fearful of possible retaliation from a vengeful ex-girlfriend. When it seemed that he really was alone, he sagged with despair. "What am I gonna do? No friends, no food, no shelter…And my underwear itches…" he sighed. Well, might as well start on the lonely journey home.

After a few days, he finally finished building a raft. Nature was fine. It was nice, but only when it was far away. Haagen had soon learned that fishing was harder than it seemed, and that birds were not all that friendly. But, having passed all that misery, he set out on his raft. He had taken off his clothes to wash them, an act that would have surprised Laura, if only she was here. The past few days spent in communion with nature had left Haagen disillusioned and frustrated, so he decided to vent his rage. Stark naked, he shouted, "Ha! Just watch me, Mother )!#(ing Nature! This is what I think of your stupid woodland creatures!" and gestured. Nearby, perched on a rock, a crow watched him with interest. Feeling embarrassed and deflated, he looked for something to cover himself. Since his clothes were still drying, he settled on his helmet. "This is so degrading…" he muttered.

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First chapter done! So, what do you think! Please review so I can update! 


	2. The Search Begins

Ahoy again! Thanks for reviewing, Lucrecia LeVrai! It was a great encouragement since the nefarious deletion of six of my stories. Stupid admin… Anyway, thanks. And now, on to the story! No wait, I lie. Disclaimer first, then story.

Disclaimer: I don't own FFIX or any of its characters. Now I want to say something witty, but witty is cliché. Cliches are cliché, too.

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_Chapter 2: The Search Begins_

He's finally done it. After two days with nothing to do but rowing and rediscovering advanced calculus, Haagen has finally rowed his raft to the foot of the Alexandria Falls. Shouts of triumph emanated from the knight, managing even to be louder than the din of the waterfall itself. After the initial excitement died away, he surveyed his situation. "Yes! I'm home! Almost…Now, I just have to get up…there…" he said to himself. He paused. It certainly did seem very high up. It couldn't be more than half a mile high, though. Yeah, half a mile is nothing! When you're walking… No, he shouldn't think like this. He was Haagen, Pluto Knight VIII, and warrior of fury. This was nothing compared to some of the things he's done, like fart the queen's anthem after a good round of dead peppers and beer. Now that he thought about it, the whole thing seemed hopeless. "FEEL MY FURY! I'LL MASTER THIS CLIFF AND GET HOME ALIVE, EVEN IF IT KILLS ME! THAT'S…right… HEY! ANYONE UP THERE? ANYBODY? COME ON! _PLEASE!_ Oh, it's hopeless…"

_Half a mile above_

"Hey, do you hear something?" asked Weimar.

"No. Um, this might sound unreasonable, and I know I just ate two hours ago, but I'm hungry," replied Mullenkedheim, who always appreciated good food.

"No problem. I brought you a sandwich."

"Thanks! Where'd you get it?"

"The synthesist's daughter."

"But I thought you were seeing that flower girl."

"I am. What? Don't look at me like that! It's not like they know about each other… Hey, you don't suppose Haagen could have fallen off the cliff, do you?"

"Hmm. It's possible, I guess."

"…Nah," they both said together.

"Yeah, it's not that likely. I mean, we have rails and, and stuff. By the way, we shouldn't mention this possibility to Dojebon. You know how…enthusiastic…he gets," said Mullenkedheim.

"Yeah, I know what you mean," answered Weimar.

Elsewhere, Blutzen, Kohel, and Dojebon also began their search. "Now do you understand? This is very important. Haagen's life could be at stake," intoned Dojebon.

"Yeah, we know," responded Kohel.

"You can count on us!" said Blutzen. This seemed to satisfy Dojebon, as he went of to search for his friend by himself. Now that they were left alone, Blutzen said, "Do you remember what Captain Steiner always says to us?"

"Um… You worthless bunch of nitwits?" guessed Kohel.

"No, not that one."

"This is why no one depends on men in Alexandria?"

"Not that, either."

"If only chivalry permitted alcoholism?"

"Close…But no."

"Ooh! I know! It's: 'I'm surrounded by imbeciles and nincompoops!'"

"Now you're just guessing."

"Okay, then… If you're not going to do anything useful, then don't do anything at all."

"Bingo! That's the one. So since we _can't_ do anything useful, then why don't we just go in this tavern over here and relax!" said Blutzen, always one to rationalize.

"Right! We can think of ideas and gather information while we're getting drunk!"

"Good one. And it's not like it's our fault that we probably would end up doing nothing _at all_. We just don't have the self-control."

"Right!" chirped Kohel, who was always ready to accept Blutzen's second-hand logic. They went in.

_Meanwhile_

Laudo was very happy. He had inspiring material for writing about a missing comrade-in-arms. The fact that Haagen could be in trouble or might possibly be dead would not sink in until later. He was paired up with Dojebon, fervently searching for their knight-errant. This was just like an adventure! Currently, they were asking around. They came up to an Alexandrian soldier overseeing the reconstruction of the town square. "What ho, my good woman! I-" began Laudo.

"Who are you calling a ho!" snapped the soldier.

"Uh, you'll have to excuse my friend here. He's off in his own fantasy world right now," said Dojebon hurriedly.

"I am not!" grumbled Laudo.

"Oh, Dojebon and Laudo. I'm sorry I yelled. I didn't know it was you."

"You know us?" asked Laudo.

"Of course," she said, and blushed. "I'm great fans of yours! You're all so heroic and charming! You're my heroes!" The two knights looked incredulous. "Are you sure you don't mean the three _original_ Knights of Pluto?" asked Dojebon.

"No, I mean all nine of you. C-could you sign my breastplate?" she asked, breathless with excitement. Laudo and Dojebon stared at the piece of armor she was referring to. A week ago they could never have believed this was possible (except for Weimar, of course). Dojebon managed to swallow despite his heart trying to come up his throat. "I-I'm not sure that would be appropriate, ma'am," he croaked.

"Oh, then could you sign my helmet?"

"Yeah, that would be fine." They signed. "Oh, thank you! I can't wait to tell my sister! She is going to _FLIP_!"

"Whoever this Pluto is, he sure has a weird sense of humor," said Laudo through the hazy fog of incredulity. Somewhere in the parts of his mind that are still not in shock, he could hear a couple nearby frantically trying to get away from Breireicht's ramblings.

_Several days later_

Haagen had given up on trying to climb the sheer cliff that separated him and Alexandria. He had a different plan now. He had traveled down the river on his raft, managed to reach South Gate without getting seriously injured, and is now traveling by foot up to the North Station. Unfortunately, he was intercepted by a band of thieves. Monsters were easy, you could spot them and run away before they noticed you, but thieves with swords were a different matter. "Uh…um…I warn you, I know some powerful and forbidden magic, the likes of which no mortal eyes should behold!" he said.

"Oh yeah? Prove it," said one of them, grinning.

"Um…Ahh…Tremble before my might, cowering infidels!" he squeaked.

"_Priests_ say infidels, not mages. And besides, you just look like some knight wannabe," mocked another.

"Um…'Tis merely a disguise to keep from frightening innocent men!"

"Must be a really good disguise, then."

"Aha! You see? Cower before my power!"

"How about no?"

"Uh…oh crap. I'm about to die…"

"You got that right, mister," said the first thief, who was holding a hammer.

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MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Cower before the awesome might that is the cliffhanger! Offer unto me reviews and I shall bestow upon thee more of this grand (sort of) adventure! Yea, that is my decree. All shall obey! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 


	3. Reunion of a Sort

The thing about cliffhangers is that sometimes, the author can't stand them, either, so I wrote this right after I finished chapter 2. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I kept you waiting. Evil, isn't it?

Disclaimer: I don't own FFIX or its characters. There, I said it.

_Chapter Three: Reunion of a Sort_

"Hey I know you!" said one of the thieves, "You're that guy from Alexandria Castle!"

"What? Y-you're Tantalus, the guys who kidnapped the Princess! Yea and verily, that is so!" said Haagen.

"Yep, that's us! And stop talking like that!" said Marcus, "You're that guy we beat up, aren't you?"

"I did not get beat up!"

"No, you ran away before we had a chance to get you," said Blank.

"I had a date!" lied Haagen.

"I thought that was that other guy?" said Cinna.

"Um…Oh yeah? Well…feel my fury!" shouted Haagen, and charged.

"Yeah, smart. You're going to charge at a bunch of guys with swords and a hammer with nothing but rusty armor," said Blank, smirking. Haagen tried to stop, but inertia dictated that he should trip, do a bad cartwheel on the ground, and land on his head. Things didn't seem so bad, if you looked at the bright side. After all, he did tumble over Marcus and knock him down. "Dude, get off me." They stood up.

"What are you doing here?" asked Blank.

Haagen paused for a few moments to compose what tattered memories he retained. "Oh, it was incredible! This-this-this _dragon_ came out of the sky and started blowing things up, and I was sent with Dojebon to protect the townspeople, and, and, and then this blue-haired girl dropped onto the castle but didn't go splat. Then the castle turned into this _huge_ machine with _gianormous_ wings and started beating the crap out of the dragon! Then this big eyeball in the sky blew everything up, and, and, and then I woke up next to the Evil Forest!" blurted Haagen, all in one breath.

"Think he's hit his head or something?" remarked Cinna.

"I'm serious! It's all to do with Eidolons or something!" responded Haagen.

"Hey, yeah! I remember! You Alexandrians gave us a really tough time when we were trying to rescue the princess from the queen," said Blank. He smacked his fists together. "It's payback time," he said, with an evil grin.

"N-no! That was just the soldiers! We Knights of Pluto are always on the side of justice! We never did anything to hinder your progress, honest!" said Haagen.

"But you did fight us when we first came to kidnap the princess," pursued Blank.

"Th-that didn't count! We ran away! Yes, that's right. We're cowards, the lot of us!"

"Oh. Dammit." Blank looked disappointed.

"Cheer up, Blank. We'll find you someone else to beat up. We're going to Treno. Do you want to come with us?" said Marcus.

"Treno? Sure, okay… But I need to get back to Alexandria!"

"No problem! You can take the Gargant."

"But I thought Gargants are unsafe."

"It's perfectly safe. We went on it and all we had to deal with was this weird snake called Ralvurava or something. It's like riding a giant oglop!"

Haagen shuddered. "I hate oglops." Eventually, they did embark on their pilgrimage to Treno, as pointless and tedious as their conversation was. For three days they trekked across the treacherous 35-degree slope of South Gate, occasionally suffering the terrible bruised knee. They were often viciously attacked by vile abominations such as fluffy bunnies and oglops the size of _pennies_, and they were _looked at evilly_ by a sparrow watching them interestedly as they passed. For three days they were relentlessly scorched with mild, pleasant sunlight, and were blasted by gales blowing at an astonishing _three miles per hour_!

After the three days they exited South Gate from Treno's side. Five miles out, they encountered four trick sparrows.

(Battle music)

The battle begins. Cinna managed to steal an Ore from trick sparrow number two, then Blank attacks number one. Number one casts Drain on Marcus. Number three attacks Haagen and causes critical damage, knocking him out. Marcus uses a Phoenix Down on Haagen. "Dude, you really suck at this," he snickered.

"It wasn't my fault!" whined Haagen. Number four attacks Blank. Cinna attacks number one and misses. Blank attacks number two and knocks it out. Haagen attacks number one and knocks it out. Cinna attacks number three. Number four casts Drain on Blank. Blank attacks number three. Marcus attacks number three and knocks it out. Number four attacks Haagen. Blank attacks number four and knocks it out. Unfortunately, the battle isn't over yet. The party is ambushed by two carve spiders. Carve spider number one casts a web on Cinna and Slows him. "Ew! It's all sticky and stuff! I need a bath…" Carve spider number two casts Fire on Haagen and causes him to trance! Haagen retaliates by casting Thunder on both targets and attacking each of them twice, knocking both carve spiders out. "You can use magic!" breathed Blank.

"I _told_ you I could!" said Haagen.

"Well I thought you were lying!" They continued their journey to Treno. On their way, they encountered a friendly Ghost, who asked them for an ore. "Would you mind sparing an Ore, please?" it asked.

"It can talk! I've never met a mist monster that can talk before!" said an incredulous Marcus.

"Um…about the Ore…" pursued the ghost.

"Are you going to grant us three wishes if we give it to you?" asked Cinna.

"No, you're thinking about fishes," said Blank.

"That's not how it goes. Fish don't grant you wishes just because you give them Ores. It has to be a special fish. You catch it see, and it says 'Spare my life and I shall grant you three wishes.' And you let it go and you get your wishes," intoned the knowledgeable Haagen.

"Well, I say it's stupid. If that were true, then fishermen would be ruling the world by now. And they don't. Or do they…" said Cinna. The Ghost sighed in exasperation and floated away. What was the use in being a _friendly_ monster if all you met was a bunch of incompetents who couldn't even grant a simple request? He should've stuck with being an evil spirit like his sister the harpy.

Eventually, the party reached Treno, the city of eternal night.

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Finished! Please review! By the way, during the part of the game where you have to rescue Dagger, if you go find the knights of Pluto and talk to them, they won't attack you! Aren't they sweet! Two of them were in Dagger's bedroom. I wonder what they were doing there… 


	4. Drunken

Hello again! This chapter is going to be short, since it doesn't really have anything to do with the main story line. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own FFIX or its characters.

_Chapter Four: Drunken _

"I _love_ you, Weimar," slurred a drunk Blutzen.

"I love you too, Haagen!" said Kohel, and giggled.

"Mmm…kissy kissississy, heheheh," said Blutzen, imitating in his drunken state what he thought of as the sound of Haagen and Weimar kissing.

"Haagen! Weimar!" said Kohel in a shocked (he thought) voice.

"Dojebon!" garbled Blutzen, "I thought you had busisisissnesses to attend to!"

"I was, but I came home, whatsitcalled, early."

"It's not what it looks like Dojebon."

"Liar! Guess what? I've been seeing whatshisface…Laudo! That's right! Take that! Haha," said Kohel and fell over, unconscious.

"Oh, my poor aching heart. Weimar! Comfort me! Kissy kissy…" said Blutzen, before he, too, collapsed, softly and happily singing the queen's anthem and badly lacerating it.

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Heheh, that was just for fun because I couldn't resist writing it. Please review! 


	5. The Journey Continues

Greetings! Not much to say this time, so I'll just go on to the disclaimer, shall I?

Disclaimer: I owneth not the characters of this story, nor do I own Final Fantasy IX. 'Tis property of Square.

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_Chapter five: The Journey Continues_

"The SEHC meeting is now in session," said Dojebon.

"What?" asked Mullenkedheim.

"He's just trying to be formal. It's a coping mechanism so he doesn't have to think about Haagen," explained Weimar, "Susan does the same thing when she sees me." Dojebon glared at the other six Knights of Pluto. They were making fun of him! "Shut up, Weimar. I have reviewed each of your progress within the past three days. Blutzen and Kohel got drunk and… and had a…skit…about Haagen, Weimar, and me," he said and glared at them. The two super-sleuths at least had the decency to look embarrassed. "Laudo kept complaining that his legs hurt." He glared at him.

"You kept me walking around nonstop for _four hours_!" complained Laudo.

"Like I said, you need more exercise. Breireicht, Weimar, and Mullenkedheim were…actually doing work," said Dojebon. He seemed irritated that he couldn't find any fault with them. "It's been another week! What if Haagen's in danger?"

"What kind of skit are we talking about?" asked Weimar.

"You were kissing Haagen!" snapped Dojebon.

"Like, on the lips?"

"Yes! You were making out with him!"

"And…you guys were drunk when you acted this?"

"Yeah, but we don't remember anything," said Blutzen.

"Ooh! I remember Dojebon slept with Laudo!" said Kohel.

"WHAT?" shouted Dojebon and Laudo simultaneously. Laudo blushed a lovely shade of deep red.

"Yeah! You caught Haagen with Weimar, so you told him you were seeing Laudo! I remember very clearly. Congratulations, guys! We support you whatever you choose to do with your life!" said Kohel.

"It was just a skit! A skit that _you two_ played out when you were getting drunk off your asses!" shouted Dojebon.

"Oh. Really? Darn, I was going to tell everyone."

"Ah, Dojebon, that shouting reminds me of old Captain Steiner. You sound just like him," said Breireicht happily.

_Aaaaiiiii…this is going to take longer than I thought_, thought Dojebon, sighing as he rested his head in his palm.

_In Treno _

Haagen wondered why there was an entrance to a Gargant cave in Treno. More importantly, he wondered why his new friends were taking him to an apparently abandoned old tower. He was very surprised when the door opened by itself. "Wha-" he started.

"Down here, young man." Haagen looked down. His eyes bulged out. "Doctor Tot! What are _you_ doing here?"

"Hmm? You look familiar… Why, if it isn't one of the Knights of Pluto. Haagen, isn't it?" said Doctor Tot.

"Hey, doc. Haagen here needs to use the Gargant," said Blank.

"I'm afraid the Gargant hasn't returned since it was last called."

"But Zidane and his friends went on the Gargant from Alexandria a few months ago."

"It never stopped here. If it kept on going it should have reached Lindblum in Pinnacle Rocks."

"Oh…"

"Let's walk to Alexandria," said Marcus.

"You're kidding, right? Please tell me you're kidding," said Cinna.

"There's no other way," said Marcus.

_Back in Alexandria _

General Beatrix walked through the remains of the castle. She had just finished patrolling the harbor. Now she was heading for the dock. There she saw the Knights of Pluto. Blutzen and Kohel were snickering about something; Laudo was just standing there, looking helpless. Breireicht was smiling contentedly, almost proudly, at nothing, Weimar was looking at Dojebon like he was some kind of abomination, Mullenkedheim was eating a sandwich, and Dojebon was just yelling at everyone. "Knights of Pluto! Atteeeeeen_tion_!" In speeds that would have outraged and baffled any physicist, the knights suddenly stopped bickering and stood to attention. Beatrix was impressed. She didn't even see them line up into a neat little line. Perhaps Steiner's yelling was useful for something after all. "Now, what's going on here? And why are there only seven of you? Where's the other one?" she asked.

"That's what we were talking about, ma'am. Haagen is missing," said Mullenkedheim.

"Haagen? Well I haven't seen him. Have you checked the city?"

"We've searched everywhere. But alas, our knight-errant is nowhere to be found. O cruel fate! Why must you tempt us so!" said Laudo.

"Very poetic, Laudo."

"Thank you, ma'am. Did you read the story I wrote yet?"

"Yes, Laudo. It was…pretty good. But Laudo?"

"Yes, general?"

"Don't use Steiner and me as material. It's very embarrassing."

"Yes, ma'am." Kohel and Blutzen barely managed to stifle a snicker.

"Hmm. I suppose I could ask a local moogle to send a letter about this problem to Steiner in Lindblum. Breireicht."

"Yes, ma'am," said Breireicht amiably.

"Could you please come to my provisional office later and deliver my letter to Kupo in town?"

"Yes, ma'am"

"Thank you."

_Meanwhile _

"You're serious. You're really serious about this. You're not _really_ serious, are you? _Please_ tell me you're not really serious. Oh, no. You really are serious."

"Stop it, Cinna," said Marcus. They had gotten all their provisions ready and were about to enter Gargan Roo. "You have everything you need?" asked Doctor Tot.

"Yes, doctor," said Haagen, "It was really nice seeing you again."

"The feeling is mutual. Give my regards to the others."

"Will do." The party went down the hatch. They reached the platform and jumped off, going in the direction of Alexandria.

It was bound to happen. It's just how these things go. Halfway to their destination, they were set upon by Ralvuimago. There was no alternative but to fight.

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Okay, I know I write short chapters, and I'm sorry, but it's just how I write. If I get enough ideas at a time, I would write more. Sorry! Still, please review. 


	6. Ralvuimago

Hey! Sorry I haven't updated for such a long time! I was very busy (Grr! Stupid English and Social Studies departments! I _hate_ them! Argh!) and had a bunch of things to do, like homework, projects, and manifesting people. I'm _really_ sorry! It's like neglecting your own children… But I don't have children, so I'm good! Onwards!

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters or monsters from FFIX, except Laura and that Alexandrian soldier from a few chapters ago. But since she was a soldier, I guess Square does own her anyway, the greedy scoundrels…

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_Chapter 6: Ralvuimago _

"Um… What is it?" asked Cinna.

"Well, it's obvious isn't it?" stated Haagen, "It's…it's a…giant snaky, wormy thing."

"I think it's a grown version of the Ralvurahva I encountered first time I came here," said Marcus. The Ralvuimago roared and headed straight for the party. "Everyone scatter!" shouted Blank. The monster head-butted straight into the ground where Haagen was standing a few seconds before.

(Boss battle music) 

Ralvuimago attacks Blank and misses. Blank counters. Haagen casts Thunder on Ralvuimago. "Nice one!" says Marcus. Marcus attacks Ralvuimago, causing it to contract. Cinna attacks. "Hey! What gives? My attack didn't work!" says Cinna.

"Don't attack it physically when it's curled up. Just use magic and other stuff," says Blank. Blank steals a Phoenix Down from Ralvuimago. Haagen casts Blizzard on Ralvuimago. Marcus steals an Adaman Vest from Ralvuimago. Ralvuimago uncurls. Cinna attacks. Ralvuimago curls up. "Don't attack it, Cinna! You're weak and it wastes our time!" shouts Marcus.

"Sorry, I forgot… And what do you mean _weak_! I'm not weak! I'm just laid back!" says Cinna.

"Okay, fine. I'm sorry," says Marcus.

"Weak…weak my butt!" grumbles Cinna.

"Cinna!"

Okay, okay!" Blank steals an Oak Staff from Ralvuimago. Haagen casts Blizzara on Ralvuimago. "What the! You never told us you could cast second level spells!" says Blank.

"Oh, sorry. I can cast second level spells," says Haagen.

"That's not funny." Ralvuimago uncurls. Cinna attacks and hits it right between the eyes. Ralvuimago goes berserk and heads straight for Cinna!

_Meanwhile _

"Captain! You're here!" said Laudo.

"Yes, I have received the letter from General Beatrix about Haagen's disappearance. Chivalry states that one is to stay by his comrade's side in times of need, so I have come to assist your search," said Steiner.

"But what about the other guys back in Lindblum?" asked Weimar. Steiner faltered in mid-speech. "Sh-shut up!" he said.

Dojebon was sitting on the steps of the dock, crying softly to himself. "This…this was always his favorite place to s-sit!" he sobbed.

"Bite the bullet, man! Up, up, up!" shouted Steiner.

"Oh, HAAGEN!"

"This is the reason no one depends on men in Alexandria! Get up, you incompetent fool!" Dojebon continued sobbing. "Oh, Haagen! How I miss you…"

"Grr! You worthless bunch of NITWITS!" The Knights of Pluto jumped simultaneously at Steiner's shout. "Help me get this idiot up!"

"Come on, Dojebon. It'll be okay," consoled Mullenkedheim.

"Yeah! We'll find Haagen, and then we'll all live happily ever after, because you two will get married, and have lots of kids, and-" started Blutzen.

"If you're not going to do anything useful, then don't do anything at all!" shouted Steiner. At this point, Dojebon hasn't stopped crying yet. If anything, it's gotten worse. "W-what if I never see him again! What if h-he's d-dead!" he wailed.

"I know how you must feel, Dojebon," said Laudo, "The despair, the hopelessness, the terror of knowing that you might never see your best friend ever again. Oh cruel fate, why must thou play so with the lives of men! Is it not enough that we war and quarrel that thou must cut asunder our friendships as a scorching knife through butter? Our friend speaketh 'nay' in defiance, and thou cut him down like a reaper of souls. Aye, 'tis the way of this cruel world to-"

"I'm surrounded by imbeciles and nincompoops! Can't you see you're making things worse!"

"Hey! I was just getting to the good part of the monologue, captain!"

"Um, I know it's not much, but I happen to know a few girls I could set you up with…" said Weimar.

"Urgh… If only chivalry permitted alcoholism…" groaned Steiner. Mullenkedheim tried to console Dojebon by giving him a sandwich, but Dojebon used it to blow his nose, which in turn hurt Mullenkedheim's feelings. "Oh, great! Now we have _two_ sulking idiots! Of all the military forces in the world, why did I have to end up with the dumbest ones!"

"Come on, Mullenkedheim. I'm sure Dojebon didn't mean to hurt your feelings," said Kohel.

"He…he blew his nose in it! If that isn't hurtful, then what is!" wept Mullenkedheim.

"It's just a sandwich. There are plenty more sandwiches in the world."

"Oh, yeah? H-how would you feel if…if he blew his nose in your s-stash of c-cookies!"

"What! Y-you know about it?"

"Everyone does…"

"Um, look… Just…just feel better, okay?" Back with Dojebon, everyone else was still trying to cheer him up. "Now, look, Dojebon. I used to have an old friend in the Alexandrian army. A sergeant, she was. Anyway, one day, she went out on assignment, and I was worried sick about her," said Breireicht.

"Did…did she come back?" asked Dojebon between sobs.

"Oh, yes. She came back, eventually, after three months. She was given a 's welcome."

"Oh."

"Now, granted, she was missing an arm."

"What?"

"And she _was_ scarred all over."

"But…"

"And, well… Come to think of it, though, she did die of cancer a few months later."

"_OOOOOOHHHHHHHH, HAAGEN!_"

_Meanwhile_

The Ralvuimago tried to head-butt Cinna a few times, but missed. Right now, it was chasing him around the tunnel. Then it happened, something so unexpected that even Kuja himself would be dumbfounded. "Aaaaargh! My hammer! It took my _hammer_! Give me back my hammer, you scum! GIVE IT! GRRAAAAAAAHHH!" shouted Cinna. In the unlikeliest of events, Cinna went into Trance. "Thor's Hammer!" he shouted. Almost instantly, the hammer flashed a brilliant white and threw impressive sparks everywhere, sparks that would cost the special effects branch of the movie industry millions of dollars to reproduce. The Ralvuimago shrieked in pain, and tried to throw the hammer off, but the electricity had attached itself to the monster. Then, as the hammer gained in power, it erupted in a brilliant blue explosion of hot plasma, disintegrating the Ralvuimago and scorching the ground around it. "That'll teach _you_ to take my hammer," said Cinna triumphantly.

"Umm…Ah…" said Marcus.

"Who's weak _now_, hmm?" gloated Cinna.

"Let's just keep going, okay?" said Blank, who, for some mysterious reason, was not completely overwhelmed by this turn of events. Cinna, for whom a chance to gloat does not come often, felt hurt. He didn't even act a _little_ surprised!

"Hey! I remember this rock! It's the one shaped like Sorceress Edea's face! We're getting close!" said Marcus.

"Who's Sorceress Edea?" asked Cinna, who had gotten over the whole thing now.

"Um… I don't know," replied Marcus, confused.

"Actually, I think it looks more like Summoner Yuna, or maybe Sung Mina," said Haagen.

"Who?" asked Blank.

"I…I don't know."

"Ooh! I know! This is just the author's pathetic attempt at injecting humor into the story!" said Cinna, who was smarter than he looked.

"What are you talking about?" asked Blank.

"What? What did I say?"

"Let's just keep going." And so, they marched onwards, now that the direct manipulation by a deranged author was over with.

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Wee! I'm done! For now, that is. Please review. I hope this chapter was better than the last one! The last one sucked. I'm so embarrassed about the last one. Review! I'll feast on your brains if you don't! Mmm, brains… 


	7. Missing You

Hello! Updated is this story! Happy must everyone be! Why like Zorn am I talking? There! That's better. Now that I fixed my speech, we can proceed to the very important disclaimer!

Disclaimer: The Characters of FFIX, FFVIII, Terry Pratchett, and Lilo and Stitch I do not own. To Square, Terry Pratchett, and Disney they belong. Grr! Dammit!

* * *

_Chapter 7: Missing You _

Dojebon really missed Haagen. He missed everything about him, the way he smiles, the way he's so enthusiastic about everything, the adorable way he shouts "Feel my fury!" at 1300 decibels right into your ear… Oh, how he missed the days when they would go on patrol together and laugh about things like Weimar dating a and not knowing it or Blutzen and Kohel kissing each other right in front of Captain Steiner when they were drunk off their bottoms. "Oh, Haagen. Where are you now?" Dojebon said to himself.

"Right here," said Haagen.

"Haagen! You're back!"

"I'll never leave again. I promise." Dojebon was happy now. His best friend was back, nothing could possibly be wrong with the world, and… Why was Weimar running around butt naked with the rest of the Pluto Knights? "Hey, Dojebon!" he said, "look at me! I'm naked!"

"What?"

"Wake up!" Suddenly, there was a blinding white light, because Dojebon had opened his eyes. He woke up to find Weimar staring at him from right above. Now, why was he wet? "Dude, you fell asleep and slipped into the water! What? Do you want rusty armor like the captain?" said Weimar. Dojebon struggled through the layers of grogginess brought on by sleep and got up, feeling very heavy from all the water in his armor. "I know you admire the man, but isn't this going a bit far?"

"Why did you let me fall asleep in the water?"

"Oh, that. Captain Steiner gave up on you after an hour. He said, 'Honestly, I don't know why I even try anymore. One day I'm going to kill myself and I'll be _damned_ if you nitwits try to attend my funeral.'"

"Oh."

"By the way, you might want to apologize to Mullenkedheim. He's still pretty upset about yesterday."

"Why? What did I do?"

"You blew your nose in his Sandwich of Condolences. He's really hurt; pissed, in fact. He's starting to cut sandwiches with a hatchet. He's really freaking everyone out. Captain Steiner is afraid to lecture him. Even General Beatrix won't go near him."

"Wow. That makes me feel so much better."

"Yeah, well. He's the dragon, and you're the sacrificial virgin to appease it. You _are_ a virgin, right?"

"Shut up!"

_Elsewhere _

This was strange. Just yesterday he was in the tunnel of Gargan Roo, and now he was in the middle of a desert. And the name Galbadian Desert keeps coming to him for some reason. Apparently, he was watching the movements of a pair of soldiers, one in a blue uniform and one in a much heavier red one, called Biggs and Wedge. "Captain…" muttered Wedge.

"I'm not captain anymore, remember? We got demoted…twice," replied Biggs. Strange how he knows these things. Apparently these two were badly abused by an enemy teenage military force called SeeD, and were severely punished for it. Haagen felt really sorry for them, stuck in the middle of the Galbadian Desert with nothing to do…Maybe they could head for Fisherman's Horizon or something. Haagen had watched the entire thing with fascination, and after the story's end, he had decided to find the pair and see what they were up to, seeing as they were so similar to the Knights of Pluto. But that was another story, set in another world. For now, Haagen awoke. "Rise and shine, my pretties!" said Marcus cheerfully, far too cheerful for a morning in a dank tunnel inhabited by giant insects, in fact. No use in delaying. They were almost there. Any minute now, they would come across the platform to the dungeons of Alexandria. Just a few more hours and he'll be home…

_Meanwhile _

"Uhh…Mullenkedheim?" asked Dojebon.

"Yes?" replied Mullenkedheim sweetly.

"I, uh, heard you were mad at me and, well… You know…"

"Really? Whatever gave you that idea?" It should be mentioned at this point that Dojebon was nervous not so much because he felt guilty, which of course he did, but because Mullenkedheim was sharpening his hatchet with another one and smiling the predatory smile of a sarcastic Lord Vetinari. Now that he looked harder, perhaps it was more…ironic. No, make that satirical, maybe sardonic, even. But why sardonic when you could just skip right over to being polite at people? "Uum… I…blew my nose in your Sandwich of Conditioners?" ventured Dojebon.

"It's the Sandwich of Condolences, you _idiot_!" snapped Mullenkedheim, suddenly raising a hatchet in anger. Dojebon yelped and ducked.

"I-I-I'm really sorry!"

"I made that sandwich just for you, but did you appreciate it? No. You blew your nose in it." Somewhere in the city, an orchestra started playing horror music.

"I-I thought it was tissue paper!"

"Really? It must have been really _thick_ tissue paper, then."

"If…" _swallow_ "If it makes you feel any better, I was grateful for it. Heheh…"

"I shall say what the great sandwich master Experiment 625 said before… I will avenge you, my poor cream cheese and wasabe sandwich! YYYAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Mullenkedheim charged.

"Ahh!" Dojebon ran for his life. "Mullenkedheim, no! Please have mercy! Don't you want to think about it a little? I'm your buddy! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" shouted Dojebon in between dodges from swipes of rusty hatchet from Mullenkedheim.

Elsewhere, Laudo and Breireicht were talking. "You don't think Breireicht is too upset, do you?" asked Laudo.

"No, no. We each have our ways of dealing with things. Mullenkedheim just needs to unwind a little, that's all," replied Breireicht. Mullenkedheim and Dojebon ran past the pair, screaming at the top of their lungs. "AAAAAAARRRRRGH!"

"I WILL MAKE A SANDWICH OF REVENGE FROM YOUR MINCED REMAINS!"

"HAVE MERCY!"

"I WILL MARINADE IT WITH YOUR BLOOD!"

"SOMEONE, _HEEEELLLLLP_!"

"I'LL USE YOUR INTESTINES FOR BREAD!"

"THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!"

"_DIE_!"

"AAAAAAARRRRRGH!"

"You see? They're getting along just great! Almost just as good as new, now!" said Breireicht merrily. Laudo was frozen in shock from the screeching duo. It was strange. It was new. It was unfamiliar. But through all that, he couldn't believe his ears. He had never heard _such good material_.

_Somewhere not so far away _

"Woohoo! We're finally here! I'm home! I'm HOME!" shouted Haagen triumphantly. They had climbed onto the Alexandrian platform and entered the dungeons. There was the room where the princess's Eidolons had first been extracted…

The place was almost unscathed from the blast of the Invincible. The ancients had designed the place to withstand enemy attacks, and that meant it had to be well structured and unbreakable. Apparently, it was even good enough to survive the onslaught of enraged souls concentrated by Terran technology. _Go ancients_ thought Haagen.

The party proceeded towards the entrance from the queen's chamber, which had not been so lucky. It took them several hours to pry open a big enough opening to fit through. When they did, though, they were greeted by the melancholy smile of Queen Brahn's clown face. "AAAAAAARRRGH!" they shouted together. After the initial shock of seeing the ghastly painted face of an obese woman, they recovered. "It's just a painting, guys," said Blank.

"For _what_? Summoning the hordes of darkness?" said Cinna.

"I think it's more useful for warding off evil spirits," said Marcus.

"Hey, cut it out. That's my former queen you're talking about. Granted, she went a bit crazy at the end, but she was a good ruler before that," said Haagen valiantly.

"Let's get started. We can't stay down here all day and chat. We've got a reunion to fulfill," said Blank. They started on the dig to get out of the ruined castle. After several near-fatal accidents and near-accidents almost enough to cause a lethal heart attack, they emerged into the light at the back of the castle.

* * *

Done! Please review! Also, thanks to everyone who _did_ review my stories. They are very much appreciated, especially Lucrecia LeVrai's. They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Thanks! I own your souls. To reclaim them, you must review. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 


	8. Homecoming

Hi! Err… Sorry for not updating in so long. I've been replaying Final Fantasy VIII over spring break. Such a great game… Anyway, I guess this is the last chapter. Sorry the story isn't longer. Disclaim!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. They all belong to Square… Squaresoft… Enix… SquareEnix… whatever.

* * *

_Chapter 8: Homecoming_

_Maybe he really isn't coming back. Maybe he's dead_, thought Dojebon. It is decided then. He will meet him in heaven.

"Dojebon! What the hell are you doing!" shouted Weimar.

"Shut up! I've nothing to lose!" Dojebon shouted back.

"Don't jump! I'm sorry I tried to kill you! I promise it will never happen again! …As long as you buy materials for me!" shouted Mullenkedheim.

"Go for it, Dojebon! Your heart is broken! It aches for the loss of your one true love!" shouted Laudo.

"They're just friends," said Kohel.

"Shut up, it's a good line. There is nothing for thee in this realm! Depart from this cruel, dark world, oh Dojebon! Why must thou suffer any longer? Why must thou see thy beloved die? Throw off the shackles of tragedy and meet thy comrade in Valhalla! Take thine own life, oh noble Dojebon! End thy despair!"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING, ENCOURAGING HIM LIKE THAT! YOU GET DOWN HERE, SOLDIER, RIGHT NOW, OR YOU'LL REBUILD THIS WHOLE CASTLE YOURSELF!" shouted Steiner.

"This is like watching a soap opera," commented Breireicht.

"What's a soap opera?" asked Blutzen.

"It's like opera, except everything happens in a bathtub," replied Breireicht.

"Wow! Really? I should see that sometime."

"Stop goofing off and get him down from there! He's delusional!" said Beatrix, "You four, go stop him!"

"Yes ma'am!" replied some Alexandrian soldiers.

"Hey, guys! What's going on?" asked Haagen.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHH! It's a ghost!" screamed Weimar as he jumped into the arms of an unsuspecting Laudo.

"Guys, I'm alive! I just got back through Gargan Roo." The assembled knights looked at each other and breathed a collective sigh of relief. "Dojebon's gone nuts! He's trying to jump off the tower because he thinks you're dead!" said Kohel.

"Oh, this is so romantic! It's the perfect tragedy! The man doesn't return in time to stop his friend from committing suicide, and, in the end, is so grief-stricken by the tragedy that _he_ takes his own life. I shall call it… _Haagen and Dojebon_."

"Don't jump, Dojebon! Haagen's alive! He's right here with us!" shouted Breireicht.

"Do not deter me with your slanderous lies!" Dojebon shouted back.

"Hey! He stole that line from my play!" said Laudo. At this time, the soldiers had reached the window where Dojebon was standing, and were restraining him. Apparently, all the Knights of Pluto are innately capable of Trance, as he projected a transparent wall around himself and pushed them away. "This is it! Fare thee well, oh cruel world! Ne'er shall I see thy treacherous face again!"

"He's doing it again! Someone stop him from plagiarizing my work!" said Laudo. Dojebon jumped.

"Dojebon, NO!" shouted a horror-stricken Haagen. Dojebon and time both seemed to slow to a halt. Then, as gravity inevitably took hold, Dojebon began to fall fifty feet towards the ground. The Knights of Pluto all turned an identical deadly pale, as they watched their beloved, though sometimes annoying, comrade plunge toward certain death. There was a loud _clank_ as Dojebon landed, right on top of Haagen. "You bastard! You broke my fall, dammit! Why'd you break my fall! …HAAGEN?"

"Yo!" said Haagen.

"I…I thought you were dead! What…How…Why…"

"I came back! I was right next to Evil Forest when I woke up. Then a bunch of stuff happened and Tantalus ended up helping me get back here. They went to town to see some girl named Ruby. But that doesn't make sense, though, 'cause her hair's blue, so maybe she should be called Sap…" said Haagen, but stopped, when he saw the look Dojebon was giving him. "Err… What? Was it something I said?"

"I thought you were dead!" sobbed Dojebon as he grabbed Haagen in a bear hug.

"Hey! Why are you crying? I'm back, aren't I?"

"He just needs to unload. Just stay like this for a while," said Breireicht.

"But this is really uncomfortable! And I need a bath. And I'm in an awkward position. And his knee's in my…" Haagen stopped again, as Breireicht glared at him, seemingly for the first time in his life. It was a disturbing change from his usually friendly demeanor. "Right, you just stay there and comfort him until he's comforted. He really missed you. He put us through hell just to find you."

"We'll give you two some time alone," said Blutzen, as the Pluto Knights began to leave.

"Wha- Hey! You can't just leave me here!"

"Well, we don't want to intrude on any 'intimate activities' that you two lovebirds might engage in," replied Kohel.

"They look so sweet together," said Beatrix. Steiner put his face in his hands. "Why do I even bother with these incompetent fools…" he muttered to himself.

"Because every country needs something to be embarrassed about," replied Beatrix pertly. Steiner shot her a death-glare.

"If we'd still been enemies, I'd kill you," he said. Beatrix smiled to herself. Everything suddenly seemed a wholelot better.

Back near the tower, Dojebon was still hugging Haagen. "I missed you so much! I promise I'll always treat you like… like something really important!" said Dojebon. Yes, it was decided. He had committed to loving his friends, and he will hold to that promise. That night, Dojebon sneaked into Haagen's room and barely contained a snigger. _Awww! Sleeping like a baby_, he thought. This was perfect! Haagen was sleeping on his stomach with his face in the pillow. His right hand was hanging out from the bed. Quietly, Dojebon set the glass of warm water on the ground and placed his best friend's hand in it. Perfect! Haagen muttered something in his sleep. Suddenly, he flipped over, knocking over the glass of water on Dojebon's feet while conveniently backhanding him in the face as his hand passed through the air. "Mmf…Mommy…" muttered Haagen. Dojebon stood frozen still, while at the same time shaking with rage. _Calm down, calm down. It'll be alright_, he thought to himself. Yes, he was feeling better already. He will do another prank. Perhaps he could put something in his breakfast. Those mushrooms he found under a rock after it stopped raining the other day would be ideal...

_The next day…_

"Heeheeheee! Grandmaaa!" giggled Haagen as he collapsed face-first into his oatmeal. _Mwahahahahahaha! Perfectly executed!_ thought Dojebon.

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Done! So what do you think? Post your comments by reviewing! Also, many thanks to my loyal readers (and reviewers), all seven of them! Fare thee well! 


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